The day of the week where I unpack the trash that graced our screens and pages this past week!
REMEMBER: basic is only bad if you care ;)
The Real Housewives Of New York City Season 10 Episode 17
The Real Housewives of New York City- Luann, Sonja, Ramona, Bethenny, Carole, Tinsley and Dorinda- are reality television gold, because whether it's episode 7 or 17, these ladies are always bringing it.
If you've never watched The Real Housewives, start with New York, start from season one and thank me later.
Let's get into this week's episode...
BACKSTORY: the ladies are in Cartagena, Columbia. Carole and Bethenny are still embroiled in a fight. Dorinda has told her friend Luann, hot off the heels of release from rehab and felony charge, to go get another mugshot whilst in a drunken (all too common) stupor. Ramona and Sonja are not at all in the spotlight or causing any problems, which is new and very refreshing. And Tinsley continues to be a non issue.
Luann- You were a countess by marriage, and then you divorced; therefore, you are no longer a countess. Lady Gaga and Queen Latifah aren't a lady or a queen but you and I (and the rest of the viewing audience) know it's not the same.
Luann and Dorinda- this fight is very sad, because you legitimately are amazing friends, but the booze and the coca (she's on the coca right?) strike again. Dorinda is in a dark place, as evidenced by her saying she's "IN THE BEST PLACE EVER + HAPPIER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN"; who are you trying to convince boo? And then doubling down about saying some REALLY harsh shit to your bff is a bad lewk.
Bethenny- this trip has been ALL about you and Carole fighting, now that other people are fighting you want to get involved?? Fall back baby, the heat is off. But, just when we thought it wasn't about, you come for Carole for her saying the exact same thing "stay out of it."
NOTE: Ramona being the voice of reason at the table is insane, but in a refreshing way!
Dorinda + Luann - Dorinda, you said some fucked up shit to your friend- like rank- you hugged it out and it could have ended there, but you weren't ready. And Dorinda if you want anyone to believe that it was one drink, I think we've arrived at the time for you to just own it #LisaRinna. Sobriety is a GREAT look on Luann; which is why the recent rehab boomerang made me sad.
Bethenny- none of these women are you friends. You're going in on Carole and the girl is right next to you and no one says shit? That's shade.
Sonja- you, my lady, are the comeback kid. Last season, hell 10 episodes ago, you were THE problem, now you're the mediator? You should feel proud.
FLASH BACK TO JILL!! Bethenny saying that she's never had a friendship fall apart this dramatically is the hottest load of shit I heard in a minute.
FLASH. THE. FUCK. BACK TO JILL! Hey Bravo, if you want the rumours that Bethenny call's the shots behind the scenes to stop, maybe give her a shady flashback or two. It's called balance #BethennyIsAProducer.
Carole is a cool head and you know what they say about cool heads...Bethenny hates that. That said, it's probably why Carole isn't coming back next season, she's almost too cool.
BACKSTORY: They get on a yacht bound for trouble, but all seems well in the beginning...they cheers sparkling rose and utter "the fever has broken" and sail into the sunset. The boat actually looks fun- selfies, laughing- the ladies are back!
Tinsley- whining that she just wants people to have fun, makes me want to throw her overboard- with a life preserver, I'm not a monster. Stop trying so hard babe, these women can smell insecurity.
NOTE: these women are all in phenomenal shape, and have amazing faces; whether they bought them or not, I give credit where it is rightfully due.
Dorinda- feeling bad about saying some mean stuff to your friend is normal. STOP DRINKING. It might be time for a new life strategy. And it's so lovely that you want to be a safe space for anyone when they are down, but you've got to be your own safe space first cherie.
Luann + Dorinda- seeing you two making up is nice. I'm with Lu, we are all worried about you Dorinda. Post Rehab Pink Cloud, Dorinda? That's a new one...
A Note on Carole- though I'm team Carole because Bethenny has been insufferable this season, she is being SUPER shady in the talking head interviews. Though I believe B is more at fault, Carole is fanning the flames.
Bethenny- you hate Tinsley, we get it. She could talk about YOUR charity and YOUR anything (which you love) and you'd hate the words coming out of her mouth. We get it, and we also don't care.
Ramona- grilling Tinsley about her ambitions is a waste of time. Tinsley wants a man, this is her ambition.
Luann + Sonja- practicing for the Countess and Friends Cabaret whilst shitfaced on an island in Columbia seems like the wrong move, no? I wouldn't count this as a rehearsal babes. BTW every rapper in the world is begging you to stop beatboxing. Carole is nervous for you both and this show...me too.
Ramona- when a yachtie or any seafaring gal or gent says the waters are getting rough, I'd believe them. If they're scared, be scared too 'Mona.
Sonja + Ramona + Tinsley - arguing about the severity of the turbulence is jokes. I die at Sonja's screams and her pissing her pants and throwing the piss soaked item at Tinsley. Gives these women an Emmy, DAMMIT.
Then things take a scary turn...
- Rough waters.
- Carole puking.
- Ramona + Sonja screaming like jackals.
- No lifejackets.
- And then the screen goes dark.
It's the motherfucking Poseidon Adventure...but they made it!
NOTE TO SELF: no yachts in Columbia.
BACKSTORY. Breakfast the next morning.
Tinsley- not being at all scared during the traumatic event of the boat ride from hell. Meanwhile Carole who has reported in war zones says the boat was the scariest of them all. I put my money on Carole.
Post Traumatic Diarrhea or Paella? I love the Bravo editors for confirming it was probable the Paella.
Now, BRAVE is a woman who wears a white jumpsuit with Post Traumatic Diarrhea; you're a hero Luann.
The diarrhea smears on the floor sum this trip and episode up perfectly, a SHITSHOW.
The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 13 Episode 3
Look, after riding the HIGH and volatile seas with the ladies from New York, Orange County feels forced and like the storyline is thin; but here goes...
BACKSTORY: Vicky set up her friend Kelly's ex with her other friend and didn't tell Kelly. Also went on double dates with the new couple. They are fighting...see what I mean, thin.
Vicky - you're a bad friend. Make up with one friend (Tamra) only to slight another. You're 55ish, so you will likely never learn, and that's sad.
Kelly - your daughter is 12, don't involve her in adult business. The fact that she is the sole voice of reason in this scenario cause for concern.
New Wives- (so boring, can't be bothered to remember names) if motherhood and the challenges of it are your only storylines, you in trouble gurl.
Shannon- David is cancelled. Stop talking about him. Stop crying for him. STOP. He's a shithead, and you deserve better. Also, you're not fat, we only take notice because you keep. bringing. it. up.
Tamra- you look great and seem like a real fun time gal; it's a shame about the ankle.
And that was the episode. Ladies, get your shit together, because you're losing me.
Ah it feels good to step into my most basic self...until next week!